Dreamin, goalin, about to be doin

The hardest part about watching the person I came to love the most was inevitably the feeling of not having said physical love. However, knowing that the person I admire and love the most is currently chasing (the fuck) out of their dreams and {I’m not}, is a personal and emotional obstacle I’m facing.

I’m trying so hard to financially, emotionally, and physically get to a place where I can actually live out the dreams that are only just coming to my young brain and heart.

For so long I couldn’t see a future for me. I’ve been digging and digging within myself for so long I’ve grown tired, and weary. It’s so easy to imagine myself here, in Omaha, with a man I can’t stand, children I resent, and a past I regret. (So cliche, I know, but what other examples have I ever known??)

So within myself, I’ve found that my heart desires to get out of here and test itself. That I desire to get out of here and test myself. My biggest fear is that I will have regret. I currently do have regret. And I hate it. I hate how I wasted my four years of great schooling with only degree to show for it {not even a great resume}. I regret not going abroad. I regret not making the lifelong friends I was offered. I regret not reaching out, doing MORE. And mostly I regret not believing in myself.

My circumstances are unlike most and I tend to forget that at times like these because I’ve never wanted those to be my crutch. My mom, family, and I, have strived so much to not let my unfortunates become of myself, but alas, they are. I never had anyone to support me, therefore I never made the grades that I could, therefore I was never able to the internships that I desired and required, therefore here I am now.

But no excuses. I had an awesome support team, I had a roof above my head, water at my feet, food to my mouth, a bed for my head, and clothes on my back. I’ve never gone without, and for that I am thankful AND repaying….but I’m repaying!!

I need a journey, not just a life to live. I NEED to trust my journey ahead. #tyj I need to relax and let myself discover what it is I’m supposed to be doing, because Omaha is not it. Omaha is never it. EVER.