Mostly I’ve just been stressed about my thesis, but then there’s graduation just looming over me. It keeps whispering “what’s next” or “who’s going to hire you”. Then there’s my best friend’s wedding all like “are you ready to give your BFF away” and “who’s next”. Then there’s Mexico getting my mind off of things and a boy whom I’m awaiting a fantastic month to spend with mainly him because he lights it all up. He has put a spark in my heart where my hope lies and I had no idea I needed that until he appeared out of nowhere.

I crave these nights I have to spend by myself just pondering all of my possibilities. The nights I feel alone with the moon my thoughts seem to spew out of my head into less than eloquent however urgent words onto a blog that three people read. I should write in my diary more.

Here is my chance to make my world a better place to be. And here I am, on a stoop in north O in April writing to an audience of three.

hairfullofwisps

“Do what you love” disguises the fact that being able to choose a career primarily for personal reward is a privilege, a sign of socioeconomic class. Even if a self-employed graphic designer had parents who could pay for art school and co-sign a lease for a slick Brooklyn apartment, she can bestow DWYL as career advice upon those covetous of her success.

If we believe that working as a Silicon Valley entrepreneur or a museum publicist or a think-tank acolyte is essential to being true to ourselves, what do we believe about the inner lives and hopes of those who clean hotel rooms and stock shelves at big-box stores? The answer is: nothing.

I’ve decided that right now I have everything I’ve been asking for, just in a slightly different form. I’m not a picky person so I don’t think I’m settling on anything. I’m having fun and everything feels right within myself. I guess the terrifying part is that I won’t have this one day- but how could I even think that this would be guaranteed if I had it the way I imagined?! I can’t and it’s crazy to think I’m guaranteed someone’s heart for the rest of my life. I believe that we are all here to find the best in each other and once we have, we part ways and find the best in others. If I only have someone’s heart for a limited time, I consider myself to be lucky that I had that time. I will treat their love and heart with respect as I do mine and I will thank them for my time when it has ended. Love is beautiful and it is fleeting and it can be both respectively and mutually.

I love love and I want to experience as much as I can!